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The sky called to me
As did the boundless sea
I saw the setting sun
My task has just begun

The child within me
May never come to be
No matter, for I will try
It is our turn to fly

I spread my wings
And left behind the things
That may stop this child
Being born with a smile

We flew so very far
From the things that mar
This child's life within
And so our journey begins

As my wings grew tired
I took to the sea, inspired
I swam and breached
This child I must keep

As I reached the land
I saw no woman or man
Only the wild jungle before me
I collapsed to my knees

My child within grew
As the life inside bloomed
I walked into the wild
So alive was this child

The pain came suddenly and strong
But alas, I knew something was wrong
Through the night it lasted
By morning, my endurance was tested

The child came as the sun rose
The first thing I saw were the toes
I knew I must push through this quickly
This child was arriving sickly

As I bore down
With the last push I found
The child was a girl,
Perfect as a well polished pearl

But she was not inhaling
Not screaming or wailing
She was so very still
My mind cracked, along with my will

I screamed my anger, sorrow and loss
Hoping against hope, I made the sign of the cross
Though my child was born
Her soul had been torn

She had been born feet first
Because of this I had expected the worst
And it had come to be
My child was taken from me

Her name, I muttered, "Elise"
There was no one there to help me cease
This angry crying, the howls of loss
No one to understand, no feelings to get across

I tore off a wing
This was the end of things
My other wing next in line
My mind cracked, my heart flatlined

I curled up holding my daughter close
Let my now absent wings bleed, felt it flow
Out of me, into the ground it
Bled until we were surrounded

That was the last earthly sensation I knew
Floating upwards, she and I flew
Until there was a smile and a breath
This child and I were forever together, in death
:iconopheliawhispers:

Author's Comments

...don't know what to say about this one.

Critiques


:iconshivarra:
This is a beautifully sad story. I enjoyed this very much. I could only see a couple of places where it might need a bit of tweaking. Some of the rhymes, seem a bit forced, so to speak.
The rhythm works well in most places, but is off in others.....for example....

*I spread my wings
And left behind the things
That may stop this child
From being born with a smile*

the rhyme and rhythm in this verse are almost perfect. To fix the rhythm, I would simply remove the word *from*....

In this verse....

*My child within grew as did my womb
As the life inside bloomed
I walked into the wild
So alive was this child*

You have rhymed 3 times in one sentence, where you could totally take out either *as did my womb* or *as the life inside bloomed*, your rhythm and rhyme would fit better then and it would still have the same powerful meaning.

I hate critiquing, and you know that. Once again, this is a beautiful story. A very sad, but enjoyable poem.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

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Comments


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:iconsilverfoxknows:
Good work. The story is deeply touching.

--
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Leela: "An idea?"
Fry: "Uh!"

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:iconopheliawhispers:
Thank you so much my love.

--
:love:

-Ophelia

"The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waist's and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save Us!"

And I'll look down and whisper "No."

-Rorschach from "Watchmen"
:iconshivarra:
A great story Heather. Such a sad story, they both died. :( But you know that don't you? lol =p

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:iconopheliawhispers:
Thank you so much!

--
:love:

-Ophelia

"The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waist's and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save Us!"

And I'll look down and whisper "No."

-Rorschach from "Watchmen"
:iconshivarra:
:)

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:iconcsnyder:
fabulous, really great bit of writing:hug:
:iconopheliawhispers:
Thanks so much my friend!

--
:love:

-Ophelia

"The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waist's and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save Us!"

And I'll look down and whisper "No."

-Rorschach from "Watchmen"
:iconcsnyder:
youre most welcome:hug:
:iconosartium:
Wasn't expecting that. Very emotional and engaging. Favourite I think :)

Details

May 7
2.4 KB

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